Holiday Survival Guide 2010 -- Issue 1: Gifts for Women

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Germs, Generics, and Grammar

Dude,

I have this soar throat for a little while.  It first almost went away but than one of my familly member got the sick.  Than I got a soar throat again and now it is on going.  But is it a cold?  I don't have any other symptoms, just soar throat.  So what is it? -- Soar in Seattle

Dear Soar Sore,

  First, I have a question for you: did you write me this email on a typewriter?  From a Commodore-64 in your third grade computers class from 1981?  You do realize that every email client offers a spell-check option; you should consider using it, rather than mashing at the keyboard randomly while yelling your "commands" at the screen and hoping for the best.  <--Note the proper use of "than."  I want to make sure that my assumption is correct. You are inquiring (asking) about the pain you experience in your throat right? Or has your throat learned to fly?  If it has learned to fly, call the media.  Scratch that, write the media; you have no throat. You could be rich. I want in.
  But,  if your throat is still on your person where it belongs, I'll  chalk up your typos to the very illness that you are inquiring about.
  First, I am a cat, not a doctor. This advice is not meant to replace a visit to a real doctor (or vet). 

  In answer to your first question:  No, it is not a cold.  
  In order to answer your second question, I must ask you two questions.  1. Do you make it a habit to drink paint thinner?  2. Do you huff the Wite-Out™ that you undoubtably use on your computer screen?
  If your answer is yes to either or both questions: Stop.  The pain should subside.  Side-note: If you answered yes to the paint thinner or Wite-Out™ questions, it may also explain why you are hallucinating that your throat is off having magical, whirlwind adventures without you.  Just a thought.
  If the answer is no to both, take some generic brand Zyrtec. It's probably post-nasal drip because you're allergic to stupid and can't get away from yourself.


  This has been a message from the National Stupid Awareness Council.  "Stupid hurts; it can make you soar."


With better grammar than you,
Southie and Murray

Lesbians, Laundry, and Lessons Learned

Dear Southie,
   I just got my first place, but don't have access to a washer or dryer. So far I've been going home to do my laundry, but my mother insists on doing it for me. As a young woman who enjoys wearing men's boxers and pajamas, I'm worried that when my mother does my laundry, she'll stumble upon my dirty secret.  What should I do?  -- Dirty Laundry from Dallas

Dear Dirty Laundry,
  First, your mother still does your laundry?  You've got your own place, and she's still doing your laundry?  Is she forcibly restraining you while you're home? If so, why not go to one those new fangled places, you know, with the washers dryers; I think they are called laundromats.  Maybe you've heard of them.  They come free from any judgement or parental intervention.  If you live in a heretofore unheard of region of the country that does not come pre-equipped with said laundromats, I am sure there is a nearby stream, with rocks for which to beat your clothes against while Michael Landon whittles something rustic on the porch.  Or, a quarter/nature-free alternative is to invent a boyfriend.  This will help to prevent your mother from stumbling upon the secret that you are a lesbian.  If you don't like any of these solutions, you could always join a nudist colony.  This would solve all of your problems.  No clothes = no embarrassing laundry.

Good luck.

Southie and Murray