Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Germs, Generics, and Grammar

I have this soar throat for a little while.  It first almost went away but than one of my familly member got the sick.  Than I got a soar throat again and now it is on going.  But is it a cold?  I don't have any other symptoms, just soar throat.  So what is it? -- Soar in Seattle

Dear Soar Sore,
  First, I have a question for you: did you write me this email on a typewriter?  From a Commodore-64 in your third grade computers class from 1981?  You do realize that every email client offers a spell-check option; you should consider using it, rather than mashing at the keyboard randomly while yelling your "commands" at the screen and hoping for the best.  <--Note the proper use of "than."  I want to make sure that my assumption is correct. You are inquiring (asking) about the pain you experience in your throat right? Or has your throat learned to fly?  If it has learned to fly, call the media.  Scratch that, write the media; you have no throat. You could be rich. I want in.
  But,  if your throat is still on your person where it belongs, I'll  chalk up your typos to the very illness that you are inquiring about.
  First, I am a cat, not a doctor. This advice is not meant to replace a visit to a real doctor (or vet). 
  In answer to your first question:  No, it is not a cold.  
  In order to answer your second question, I must ask you two questions.  1. Do you make it a habit to drink paint thinner?  2. Do you huff the Wite-Out™ that you undoubtably use on your computer screen?
  If your answer is yes to either or both questions: Stop.  The pain should subside.  Side-note: If you answered yes to the paint thinner or Wite-Out™ questions, it may also explain why you are hallucinating that your throat is off having magical, whirlwind adventures without you.  Just a thought.
  If the answer is no to both, take some generic brand Zyrtec. It's probably post-nasal drip because you're allergic to stupid and can't get away from yourself.

  This has been a message from the National Stupid Awareness Council.  "Stupid hurts; it can make you soar."

With better grammar than you,
Southie and Murray