Friends and loved ones, I know that this holiday season the first thing that comes to mind for family and friend gift giving is, of course...a rat carcass! However, not only will your friends and family be expecting this tried and true gift, this holiday season they can be extremely difficult to come by. Just this past weekend, I was in a back ally, digging through a dumpster; and I did not find even one rat carcass. Not even a half of one.
But, do not despair; Murray and I have taken upon ourselves to solve all of your gift giving problems. Today's issue of our Holiday Survival Guide: Gifts for the Female, or, Pussies Galore!
Smelly Things: When You Care to Sniff Out the Very Best
Rat Carcasses are known to have a potent bouquet. If no rat carcasses are available, you may always substitute another smelly gift. We realize that nothing can ever truly replace the exquisite aroma of a mature rat carcass, but sometimes compromises must be made.
Scented Candles are an ideal gift for the female in your life. 1. It is smelly, a feature that vagina owners seem to enjoy. 2. You light it on fire, a feature I enjoy. Viola, a perfect gift. If only more gifts combined such features. For instance: perfume you can light on fire, pajamas…that you light on fire, stuffed animals with wicks, and, that other holiday classic, knitted sweaters soaked in kerosene...the list goes on.
What this gift says about you: It says you took the time to go to a real store, and sniff things--always a sign of a considerate gift giver. For instance, Murray and I spend many hours a day just sniffing each other; this is how we know we care.
Who this gift is appropriate for: your lover; pyros; the chick at the fireworks store; that guy next door, who wears sweater vests; anyone who you can’t tell their gender by their name; and, finally, any MILFS in your life—I gave one to your mother.
Who this gift is inappropriate for: recovering arsonists; the boy in the bubble; Mrs. Pedergast, your fifth grade teacher.
What this gift says about her: you or your home smells like asparagus. It would be better if you or your home smelled like lily-scented asparagus. Or, you’re hot, and I want to do you, but you smell like asparagus, and I cannot stand to be around you.
Bath Stuff is s like scented candles, but for your body, oh and sadly, no flames. It is a good choice for those of you who are interested in commenting on your gift recipient’s personal hygiene; or, if you are interested in picturing the recipient naked.
What this gift says about you: I went to that bath store at the mall and bought whatever I had a coupon for; or, I think you smell bad, please bathe.
Who this gift is appropriate for: People you’d like to see, or imagine, naked while using something you gave them.
Who this gift is inappropriate for: Your Mother. See above.
What this gift says about her: She is either hot, or unhygienic. In the first case, this gift is a complement; in the second, this gift is an intervention. If you receive this gift this holiday season, ask yourself one question. Am I hot? If the answer is yes, congratulations, call me. If you have to think about this, or check yourself out in a mirror, take a bath…then call me.
Jewelry and Other Things I don’t get, or, It Costs How Much?!
Rat Carcasses are known around the world for their versatility, they go with anything, and, a rat carcass is always in season. For this reason, if no rat carcasses are available, and you or your loved one do not want to settle for anything less than the pungent fragrance of a fine aged carcass, shiny or useless things might be for you.
Figurines are like toys that you don’t play with. Ever. Chicks dig them. I don’t understand.
What this gift says about you: You spent too much money on something that will likely end up in a church bazaar or a garage sale.
What this gift says about her: she is either an avid dust collector, or a frequent donor to church bazaars.
Who this gift is appropriate for: Your Mother. Seriously, this is the only person it is appropriate for.
Who this gift is inappropriate for: Anyone you respect, or fear. Figurines make excellent projectiles—they even come equipped with self-destructing shrapnel action (take that kung-fu grip).
Fine Jewelry is shiny, expensive, and likely to get lost down a drain or stolen by a mugger.
What this gift says about you: I am rich enough to pay for someone else to tell me what to buy you; I’m hoping I’ll get laid; or, I secretly want you dead. “Let’s take a romantic walk down a dark ally, darling.”
What this gift says about her: she is a snob; materialistic; your mother; or, all of the above.
Who this gift is appropriate for: your mother; a high-priced call girl; or, the chick you think you have a chance with.
Who this gift is inappropriate for: really anyone with a vagina will accept jewelry. I think it is genetically programmed into their personality. Murray, on the other hand, feels it is more likely a product of social conditioning. Either way, shiny + expensive = win.
Cheap Jewelry or Creative Uses for Tin Foil and Paper Clips are less expensive than real jewelry, and still shiny. Watch out for tetanus though.
What this gift says about you: I’m five; I work at a franchise; I went to summer camp or I’m a cheap bastard trying to pass a cubic zirconia off as an engagement ring because I think this bimbo is too stupid to notice the difference.
What this says about her: she’s your mom; she’s not materialistic; or, she’s too stupid to notice the difference between a real diamond and this four-dollar piece of glass.
Who this gift is appropriate for: your mother; your dad’s twenty-year-old girlfriend, Bubbles; my sister, Quincy, and other five-year-old princess wannabes.
Who this gift is inappropriate for: anyone who has not had a tetanus shot in the last five-years; anyone you want to sleep with, except for Bubbles.
That’s all for today’s issue.
Next week: Gifts for Men, or, Balls and Sundry.