Friday, November 5, 2010

Holiday Survival Guide 2010 -- Issue 1: Gifts for Women

Friends and loved ones, I know that this holiday season the first thing that comes to mind for family and friend gift giving is, of course...a rat carcass!  However, not only will your friends and family be expecting this tried and true gift, this holiday season they can be extremely difficult to come by.  Just this past weekend, I was in a back ally, digging through a dumpster; and I did not find even one rat carcass.  Not even a half of one.

But, do not despair; Murray and I have taken upon ourselves to solve all of your gift giving problems.  Today's issue of our Holiday Survival Guide:  Gifts for the Female, or, Pussies Galore!

Smelly Things: When You Care to Sniff Out the Very Best
Rat Carcasses are known to have a potent bouquet.  If no rat carcasses are available, you may always substitute another smelly gift.  We realize that nothing can ever truly replace the exquisite aroma of a mature rat carcass, but sometimes compromises must be made.

Scented Candles are an ideal gift for the female in your life.  1.  It is smelly, a feature that vagina owners seem to enjoy.  2.  You light it on fire, a feature I enjoy.  Viola, a perfect gift.  If only more gifts combined such features.  For instance: perfume you can light on fire, pajamas…that you light on fire, stuffed animals with wicks, and, that other holiday classic, knitted sweaters soaked in kerosene...the list goes on.  

What this gift says about you:  It says you took the time to go to a real store, and sniff things--always a sign of a considerate gift giver.  For instance, Murray and I spend many hours a day just sniffing each other; this is how we know we care.

Who this gift is appropriate for: your lover; pyros; the chick at the fireworks store; that guy next door, who wears sweater vests; anyone who you can’t tell their gender by their name; and, finally, any MILFS in your life—I gave one to your mother.

Who this gift is inappropriate for:  recovering arsonists; the boy in the bubble; Mrs. Pedergast, your fifth grade teacher.

What this gift says about her: you or your home smells like asparagus. It would be better if you or your home smelled like lily-scented asparagus. Or, you’re hot, and I want to do you, but you smell like asparagus, and I cannot stand to be around you.

Bath Stuff is s like scented candles, but for your body, oh and sadly, no flames.  It is a good choice for those of you who are interested in commenting on your gift recipient’s personal hygiene; or, if you are interested in picturing the recipient naked.

What this gift says about you: I went to that bath store at the mall and bought whatever I had a coupon for; or, I think you smell bad, please bathe.

Who this gift is appropriate for: People you’d like to see, or imagine, naked while using something you gave them.

Who this gift is inappropriate for: Your Mother. See above.

What this gift says about her:  She is either hot, or unhygienic.  In the first case, this gift is a complement; in the second, this gift is an intervention.  If you receive this gift this holiday season, ask yourself one question.  Am I hot?  If the answer is yes, congratulations, call me.  If you have to think about this, or check yourself out in a mirror, take a bath…then call me.

Jewelry and Other Things I don’t get, or, It Costs How Much?!
Rat Carcasses are known around the world for their versatility, they go with anything, and, a rat carcass is always in season.  For this reason, if no rat carcasses are available, and you or your loved one do not want to settle for anything less than the pungent fragrance of a fine aged carcass, shiny or useless things might be for you.

Figurines are like toys that you don’t play with. Ever. Chicks dig them.  I don’t understand.

What this gift says about you: You spent too much money on something that will likely end up in a church bazaar or a garage sale.

What this gift says about her: she is either an avid dust collector, or a frequent donor to church bazaars.

Who this gift is appropriate for: Your Mother.  Seriously, this is the only person it is appropriate for.

Who this gift is inappropriate for: Anyone you respect, or fear.  Figurines make excellent projectiles—they even come equipped with self-destructing shrapnel action (take that kung-fu grip).

Fine Jewelry is shiny, expensive, and likely to get lost down a drain or stolen by a mugger.

What this gift says about you: I am rich enough to pay for someone else to tell me what to buy you; I’m hoping I’ll get laid; or, I secretly want you dead.  “Let’s take a romantic walk down a dark ally, darling.”

What this gift says about her: she is a snob; materialistic; your mother; or, all of the above.

Who this gift is appropriate for: your mother; a high-priced call girl; or, the chick you think you have a chance with.

Who this gift is inappropriate for:  really anyone with a vagina will accept jewelry. I think it  is genetically programmed into their personality.  Murray, on the other hand, feels it is more likely a product of social conditioning.  Either way, shiny + expensive = win.

Cheap Jewelry or Creative Uses for Tin Foil and Paper Clips are less expensive than real jewelry, and still shiny.  Watch out for tetanus though.

What this gift says about you: I’m five; I work at a franchise; I went to summer camp or I’m a cheap bastard trying to pass a cubic zirconia off as an engagement ring because I think this bimbo is too stupid to notice the difference.

What this says about her: she’s your mom; she’s not materialistic; or, she’s too stupid to notice the difference between a real diamond and this four-dollar piece of glass.

Who this gift is appropriate for:  your mother; your dad’s twenty-year-old girlfriend, Bubbles; my sister, Quincy, and other five-year-old princess wannabes.

Who this gift is inappropriate for:  anyone who has not had a tetanus shot in the last five-years; anyone you want to sleep with, except for Bubbles.

That’s all for today’s issue.

Next week:  Gifts for Men, or, Balls and Sundry.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Germs, Generics, and Grammar

I have this soar throat for a little while.  It first almost went away but than one of my familly member got the sick.  Than I got a soar throat again and now it is on going.  But is it a cold?  I don't have any other symptoms, just soar throat.  So what is it? -- Soar in Seattle

Dear Soar Sore,
  First, I have a question for you: did you write me this email on a typewriter?  From a Commodore-64 in your third grade computers class from 1981?  You do realize that every email client offers a spell-check option; you should consider using it, rather than mashing at the keyboard randomly while yelling your "commands" at the screen and hoping for the best.  <--Note the proper use of "than."  I want to make sure that my assumption is correct. You are inquiring (asking) about the pain you experience in your throat right? Or has your throat learned to fly?  If it has learned to fly, call the media.  Scratch that, write the media; you have no throat. You could be rich. I want in.
  But,  if your throat is still on your person where it belongs, I'll  chalk up your typos to the very illness that you are inquiring about.
  First, I am a cat, not a doctor. This advice is not meant to replace a visit to a real doctor (or vet). 
  In answer to your first question:  No, it is not a cold.  
  In order to answer your second question, I must ask you two questions.  1. Do you make it a habit to drink paint thinner?  2. Do you huff the Wite-Out™ that you undoubtably use on your computer screen?
  If your answer is yes to either or both questions: Stop.  The pain should subside.  Side-note: If you answered yes to the paint thinner or Wite-Out™ questions, it may also explain why you are hallucinating that your throat is off having magical, whirlwind adventures without you.  Just a thought.
  If the answer is no to both, take some generic brand Zyrtec. It's probably post-nasal drip because you're allergic to stupid and can't get away from yourself.

  This has been a message from the National Stupid Awareness Council.  "Stupid hurts; it can make you soar."

With better grammar than you,
Southie and Murray

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Lesbians, Laundry, and Lessons Learned

Dear Southie,
   I just got my first place, but don't have access to a washer or dryer. So far I've been going home to do my laundry, but my mother insists on doing it for me. As a young woman who enjoys wearing men's boxers and pajamas, I'm worried that when my mother does my laundry, she'll stumble upon my dirty secret.  What should I do?  -- Dirty Laundry from Dallas

Dear Dirty Laundry,
  First, your mother still does your laundry?  You've got your own place, and she's still doing your laundry?  Is she forcibly restraining you while you're home? If so, why not go to one those new fangled places, you know, with the washers dryers; I think they are called laundromats.  Maybe you've heard of them.  They come free from any judgement or parental intervention.  If you live in a heretofore unheard of region of the country that does not come pre-equipped with said laundromats, I am sure there is a nearby stream, with rocks for which to beat your clothes against while Michael Landon whittles something rustic on the porch.  Or, a quarter/nature-free alternative is to invent a boyfriend.  This will help to prevent your mother from stumbling upon the secret that you are a lesbian.  If you don't like any of these solutions, you could always join a nudist colony.  This would solve all of your problems.  No clothes = no embarrassing laundry.

Good luck.

Southie and Murray